We, here, of the Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board, are pleased to run this letter we just received from the Antisemitic Hunters Concern under The Jewish Lobster Fund, as a self-contained news story in its own rite.
With this, it is with great relief that we are now free to also run the much-hankered-after, by some around here, PREQUEL to No. 38 of Volume 4; namely, the story about how Jack Step and Dirk Dickerson completely demolished The Heavy Hebe’s leased state-of-the-art satellite spying equipment in the subbasement of Kyiv’s central synagogue, which is a Jewish house of worship – but without explanation or reason for why they might have done that, which the long-awaited and soon-to-be-published PREQUEL is meant to do.
First, the letter:
SO:
While in our review of the work of your little outfit we immediately took as an unquestionable given that your collective soul is first and foremost ruled and driven forward by the car of antisemitism, it also became clear to us that we could not globally censure, and therefore censor, you – resulting in many unpleasant repercussions for yourselves, including but not limited to the completely destroyed lives of all of you involved, with no future of any sort to look forward to, other than a really bad one – based merely on generalized suppositions that we, as part of our mission, reveal to be inarguably true.
Rather, for our analysis of your work, we took as the measure and standard whether what you publish, notwithstanding its poor quality of writing, is, for lack of a simpler way of saying it, fiction, or fact.
Insofar as your materials are fact-based reports of the news kind, which, to our pleasant dismay, have proven to be almost entirely verifiable, with the small percentage not so comprising a volume insufficient by far to condemn you, our hand is forced in your favor, and we therefore DO NOT see a substantiation in declaring you an antisemitic Jew-hating organization that disagrees with the answers to Jewish questions of any kind.
Clearly, this result would be far different if the materials you publish were known to be attempts at some kind of alternative fabulist tale-telling framed by repeatedly and overwhelmingly failed efforts to churn out viable and noteworthy works of flash fiction all loosely cobbled together on the basis of wildly erratic and farfetched literary theory of no known category or kind (taking Harold Bloom as the standard for this, for example, as opposed to the disgusting and virulent closet homosexual antisemite T.S. Eliot, a little too much of whom we find on your website, but that, unfortunately, is outside the purview of our present analysis), to fabricate something like an epic saga and dark detective tragicomedy about a collection of four-flushing expatriate losers trying to become big fish in the small pond that is Kyiv, Ukraine (for now…); a container so wanting in quality content, that its undoubtedly White Christian Goyim “creators” must scrape the bottom of their foul and vile barrel of their own genetic and homegrown antisemitism to fill it.
In which case, you would, out of hand, be declared antisemitic in the extreme and shut down post haste.
However, as works of fact, we are compelled to acknowledge that the reports published on the Kyiv Unedited website, some portion of which turn out to be about Jews, cannot be deemed antisemitic, because, as works of unembellished fact, they bear, in all fairness, the unpleasant burden of revealing to the world the antisemitic words, thoughts, and actions of some people, and particularly of White Christian males. In other words, these reports reflect real life in all its depravity, dirt, and filth.
In a sense, the Antisemitic Hunters Concern under the Jewish Lobster Fund is even grudgingly grateful to Kyiv Unedited for their particular light of truth on the monsters out there who would berate and make fun of Jews. And yet, after 5,000 years of this kind of thing throughout our tragic and long-suffering history, as we have watched nation after nation that would enslave and eradicate us themselves disappear from the face of the Earth, are we, The Jews, still not here?
Frankly, we Jews don’t want your love.
Otherwise, while we may not exactly like to admit it, it is clear to us that in real-world terms, the destruction of the satellite spying equipment was justified – which, let’s face it, is at the heart of the matter here – and there was nothing especially antisemitic about it.
It is another thing altogether that in our wheelhouse, so to speak, Goyim who do the least of injuries or harm to a Jew are to be punished, even unto death, whereas, basically, a Jew can do whatever he wants to a Goy, and he is exonerated from all blame, even to the point of being praised and encouraged for having done the same.
However, as the entire world does not work like this… yet… we are therefore limited in our scope of pronouncing judgments of antisemitism, or not antisemitism, and in this particular case, of the Internet publisher Kyiv Unedited and its Kyiv Commix news service.
For, as we’ve stated, our only job here really is to determine whether the publication of the story showing what happened to The Heavy Hebe in the subbasement of Kyiv’s central synagogue and his equipment at the hands and shoes of Jack Step and Dirk Dickerson, the white-raced Christian goyim detectives first class appertaining to the Kyiv Branch of the All-American Proper Detective Agency, was an antisemitic act, and we are forced to state that:
IT WAS NOT.
HOWEVER, that you may benefit from the peace we offer you in your own home, we do ask, for the sake of both of our sides, having resolved the present issues between us in the positive, for now, that you voluntarily, with no pressure of obligation upon you, direct us to where and how we may encounter this “Joker”, who, I understand, is just one of no one truly knows how many “Jokers” protected by a professional workers union, and charged with, among other things, providing your reading public with critical and rudely opinionated notices typically weighing heavily in the negative of the news stories you publish on your website.
Because there is more than one of these “Jokers”, we here refer specifically to the one who used the word “ephemeral” in his or her last two “Anti-Notices”, using said word in connection with our power, putting said power into question before an easily influenced public.
Well, we don’t like that, and we hope you get what we mean.
Also, we have noted a little too much use of T.S. Eliot, and strongly advise against that tendency for the future. See, for example, the illustrious Harold Bloom, both for guidance as for inspiration.
SO:
To sign off,
Be Good to the Jews, and the Jews will Consider You.
Antisemitic Hunters Concern under the JLF
November 22, 2025 – the 62nd anniversary date, by the way, and as fate would have it, of the despicable and cowardly assassination of one of America’s greatest patriots and heroes, President John F. Kennedy, cut down in the prime of his life, not yet at the height of his powers…