Ey, big hero…
… squawks an unsurprisingly irate Ira the Nurse, just short of a shriek at Dirk Dickerson, who stands across the room with a shoulder leant against a wall and immersed in the frequently lunatic jottings, rants, and ramblings of his own diary-journal…
… this evil piece of Yevrey [Hebrew; that is, Jewish – common, accepted, non-offending parlance in Ukrainian and Russian – Ed.] paper for real-live Zionist Christian idiots, who are great sinning against my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and fast on way to Ad [Ad – Russian for ‘Hell’, pronounced with a short ‘a’ – Ed.] fall from jacket, probably, drop out from pocket. Here!
Ira straightens out her arm toward Dickerson, holding the cursed insert disgustedly by a corner between forefinger and thumb.
Ira – as You, our Astounding, if at times Understandably Impatient, Readers, will recall from the frame immediately preceding this one – has been busy cleaning up Dickerson’s wet, brown, and broken coffee mess at the site of his desk, even though it’s not part of her job description. Well, anyway, she, it probably is, who has just caused the centerfold insert from The Wolf-Street Colonel newspaper, the Sunday Righteous Goyim Edition, to fall out of Dickerson’s suit jacket when she grabbed it off his chair and flung it out of her way (where, is not important), that she might better clean his desk and vicinity. Now, the insert, as You, O, Greatly Cherished Readers, may further recall from but a few episodes before, had been secreted by Dickerson into his pocket, as his partner Jack Step relieved him of the rest of the newspaper in pity and compassion for Dickerson’s burn-wounded hands, when the pair were done destroying the Heavy Hebe’s satellite spy equipment in the subbasement of the main synagogue (a Jewish house of worship) in downtown Kyiv [an incident, by the way, that is currently under investigation by the Antisemitic Hunters Concern under the Jewish Lobster Fund, the outcome of which is not looking too good for Kyiv Unedited, unless this investigative publisher can cough up a context-establishing prequel to the incident, which just might provide a justifying and vindicating alibi for the otherwise horrendous and clearly antisemitic behavior. However, so far, said outfit – namely, this one – has turned up lemons with that great expectation, and so, right now, it’s not looking too good, indeed – Ed.].
The light of recognition and remembrance of the stiff papery object goes on in Dickerson’s repulsive caveman head (according to the rook) only as he begins to ambulate with difficulty to retrieve the offending piece of propaganda out of his nurse’s unnerved hand, bending to her tyrannical will; pathetically obeying her command.
Oh, yeah… yeah, he says timidly, awkwardly, I’ve forgotten all about it.
Hmph!
Boy, Dickerson thinks, she sure is indignant… over a simple insert in a newspaper whose politics and viewpoint she merely disagrees with. Unfortunately for her, I’m forced to say – that’s her problem.
That’s your problem!
AAAAAHHH!!! You can do your OWN bandages! See how far you will go with that! This always cleaning your chaos even not my job!
Well… whatever…
Dickerson proceeds to read the insert for the first time, as he shuts out his nurse’s curses and all her banging about, all of which continues to recede and recede from the limits of his senses, until it is all somehow no longer there. And then Ira herself is gone (if she’d ever been there to begin with).
Okay, here it is – kind of a long message; densely, tightly printed text on both sides. This may be one for my journal…
SPECIAL INSERT
As referenced in our “Goyim” Column on Page 3.
THE JEWISH LOBSTER FUND
Motto: We Are Always in the Red…
… And Always Reaching Out to Our Christian Zionist Goyim Friends. We Vigorously Support Your Support of Us!
THIS WEEK’S COMMAND
All Good and Well-Trained Christian Goyim!
You, who have properly learned to suffer a great trepidation over our up-and-coming undertaking of the holiest of missions, that it be fulfilled, WE NOW COMMAND THAT YOU:
Donate to our Shelter for Bred-Red Heifers TM, brought to you by the Farm-Animal Gene Selection Alliance of Texas, the Lone-Star Fellowship in Support of Better Bovine Design, and the Deep in the Heart Society for Superiorly Engineered Cows [After checking with the Antisemitic Hunters Concern under the Jewish Lobster Fund, the Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board, in republishing these materials on this website, is happy to confirm that these purely and flawlessly red-colored young virgin cows are NOT to be used in any ceremony of ritual sacrifice as prologue to the reconstruction of a particular building that has been lying in ruin for almost the last 2,000 years]
Attentive and Alert Goyim!
With every donation you make – for the sake of these forlorn and tragically misunderstood creatures, who only want to be loved – of at least U.S. Thirty-Three Dollars and Thirty-Three Cents, or in the equivalent of any Global Currency in existence as of your tax-deductible donation, which is freely convertible to the USD without restriction in your country, you will receive as a gift a palm-sized replica of the planned and inevitable ?$&^@*#III! [CENSORED, PER REQUEST, KYIV UNEDITED SECRET EDITORIAL BOARD; BUT IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK]
But that’s not all!
Goyim, Obedient and Good!
With only Six such replicas in your possession, you are granted the option of trading them back in to us, which we fervently urge you to do, for a Secret Drycleaning Ticket, encoded with special esoteric and mystical symbols which, if you can decipher their meaning using some Very Special Books at our disposal, will allow you to then trade it in for a chance to be part of a Worldwide Magic Extravaganza, filled with Powerful Symbols and Wondrous Signs! Still to be announced – but NOT to be missed, lest you regret it.
Because spaces and places will be limited*^+, a raffle will of necessity be held to deal with the expected oversupply of demand. We know there are a lot of you! [*^+After checking with the Antisemitic Hunters Concern under the Jewish Lobster Fund, the Kyiv Unedited Secret Editorial Board, in republishing these materials on this website, is happy to confirm that the location of the planned major event we are noting here is NOT the Great State of Israel, much less its Holiest of Capitals, Jerusalem. Furthermore, O, Our Intrepid Readers, YOU will not get in any sort of trouble for merely reading any of this; so remain hardy in your fortitude, be of good cheer – and read on!]
All winners will be charged a small and practically meaningless entrance fee (of a spiritual, rather than a monetary, nature), but that is as nothing compared to the benefits you will have already received!
So hurry, while supplies last! We want HIM to come – don’t you?!
Believe what we tell you, and not what is written, for, as it is written: “what is written is only words, and words were created foremost to deceive…”
Good Goyim, Good…
Authoritatively and Unerringly, as Prophesied in Our Flawless and Unblemished Books,
The JLF
Dickerson: There’s that damn TICKET again. Gotta call Step…
Ring, ring, ring… ring, ring, ring… Come on, Step – pick up the fucking PHONE already… ring, ring, fucking-ring…
Hello?!
It’s about fucking time!
Who is this?
What do you mean, who is this?
That’s what I mean, bub – reply, or goodbye.
What an asshole…
That’s it! Step hangs up.
Oh, for the love of… Ring, ring, ring… ring, fucking-ring… ring –
Hello! Well, speak up! Who is this? Cat got your tongue… or what?!
Jack, it’s me, Dirk… What’s the matter? Why don’t you –
Agonizing over that stupid, meaningless ticket again, Dirk? Don’t waste your time. Not worth it. Take it from an old friend who would have no reason to try to fool you or pull any wool over your eyes… or anything like that…
But if you knew it was me, why did you hang up?
Why did you have to call my fucking landline?
Aaahh-huh… AAAHHA – uh-uh… huh…
Hey, take it easy, Dirk…
Please, Jack, just answer… huh… huh… huh… my question… Why… did… uh-uh… you… huh… HANG UP?!
Well…
Aaahh… Aaahh… AAAeeeyeeeAAAAHHH!!! You know how much I suffer… Why… uh-huh… Why? Uh-AAAAAHH!!! WHY???!!! WHY???!!!
So, I’m sorry about that, Dirk. I don’t know what got into me.
Well, okay, then…
All’s okay that ends okay, I always say…
No – this is definitely the first time you’re saying that; otherwise, you’ve never said that at all! I bet you I’m right! I bet, ah, a lot-a lot; And it’s not even original; sounds like someone else’s words; it’s just that, I can’t, at this very moment, remember exactly who… But, I mean, if you just do a quick search through the entire Commix Compendium to date, you will definitely not find –
That’s fine, Dirk. Artificial Intelligence will give you Shakespeare, and correct the title of the play for you, too, to boot (so you don’t go bootless, ar-ar…). It was just a manner of… saying; the point being, before we come to some conclusions about all this, let’s first allow the author of this piece, whoever that may end up being, to use the literary flashback device, you know, Dirk, to show me reading the Goyim Column to you out loud before returning to the present moment to reach those above-mentioned conclusions about all this; although I think we’d better pick that part of this story up in the next frame, as this idiot has had years to demonstrate that he can keep a story to 1,000 words or less, giving the name the “frame” its fame, but has failed at that simple requirement almost every single time.
Um, okay… No, no – wait! Let’s end this here and start with the flashback thing in the next frame!
Brilliant idea, Dickerson! And everyone says you’re fucking crazy…
Dickerson drops a tear…
Continued in the very next frame – being, obviously, and with further apologies to those who may require them, Part 3 of this very same, and, quite frankly, disgusting narration
Filed by We’ll-Just-Keep-the-Author-out-of-It-This-Time-Shall-We…, November 12, 2025