Here, communicating from ground control somewhere in the American Midwest, the Central Authority of the United States reaches out to the Thin Air “Destiny Raven” Ukrainian pilot, Captain Gavrilo Dopobachennya (Captain Gabriel Goodbye) with a non-deferable, must-perform emergency request to temporarily land the L.A.-bound plane inside America’s Heartland State, as there is a person of interest on board with a long and growing rap sheet of crimes; namely, one Zippy Zamazda
With the coming light, Zippy has awakened from his third set of unsettling dreams. He is wolfing down the chicken-breast sandwich the Thin Air flight staff has now officially served as part of the extended, multi-choice menu Zippy is entitled to as a Comfort Zone Class passenger – with those in Premier Luxury Elect Class a mere few steps before him being entitled to even more extension and even more choices. Plus, they got served first.
Using the cleft left by the incompletely drawn curtain between the sections, Zippy continues to observe the arms and legs of non-stop stewarding continually moving and hovering over one sleazy Ukrainian film industry scumbag or another, and each one in their turn. He hears stupid young Ukrainian chicks, who, the fucking little c**t bitches, do almost nothing in their easy movieland sinecures, in their fake and make-believe “jobs” – the gophers and the trainees, the hangers-on and the groupies, the understudies and the “assistants” – laughing, exponentially multiplying the base incompetence and vapidity of this fantastically egotistical and mollycoddled collective.
‘One day,’ he begins to think to himself, ‘one day… yes… yes… we’ll see… we’ll see…’
He decides he’s marked the 1,500-page manuscript up enough to prove to Goldstein that it’s his, and he puts it away. ‘Well, it actually, and in fact, is mine…’
‘I guess I’ll just relax now, maybe watch a movie, or something, and then make one last foray into Economy Class for a final chicken sandwich right before L.A. It will be broad daylight, but who will it matter to at that point, anyway? And besides, who’s going to stop me? It’s important I look out for myself, especially when I’m hungry…’
xxx
Meanwhile, up in the cockpit, Captain Gavrilo Dopobachennya takes a call from ground control, somewhere in the U.S. Midwest.
“Yes, this is Joe, ah, codename Joe, of the United States Federal Authority…”
“Yes… ah-ah… yes, yes, Codename Joe, hello! This is Captain Dopobachennya of Thin Air ‘Destiny Raven’ virgin flight THA1 from Kyiv, Ukraine to California, L.A., United States of America. What honor to know from you. I had always fantasy this would happen, and now it happen – huu-huu-huu… So, what is my pleasure to do for you, Joe?”
“Well, ah, ah… what was that name, ah…”
“Oh, eh, it is no problem, just please to call me Gavi…”
“Gavi?”
“Yes, sir, that is one hundred percent right!”
“Okay, Gavi, that’s great! So, listen. You’ve basically got a person of interest for us on board, and a suspected fugitive from Ukrainian justice; an American, originally from New York City, living in Kyiv, so he’s one of ours. Why he’s decided to suddenly get on a plane to L.A., of all places, we have not yet been able to ascertain – but we’ll find out. And since we’ve now got him trapped up in the air over the United States, we want to bring him down… down here, that is – in a professional, controlled, and quiet manner. You’re over the middle States right now, and so we –”
“There is American criminal on flight? Who… who is he? Tell me name! We tape him to seat and shut up his mouth for you pick up when we land in the L.A.! We can –”
“No, ah, no, no… Gavi… What we need is for you to bring your bird down… in about an hour or so. We just need to prepare everything down here to take him, and as soon as we have all the men and cars in place, we’ll let you know, and then you can dump your fuel and bring her down to where we direct you. And from where we are, looking at where you are, that’s probably going to be Wichita, Kansas, and you’re almost over it right now. Pretty interesting flight path from Kyiv, by the way.”
“Yes… ah… yes…”
“But, as I was saying, we’ve decided that doing this in L.A. is technically far more difficult and overall disruptive, and also an issue of using far more of our resources compared with what we have planned for you in America’s heartland, which will be a lot faster, easier, and more efficient. And, in any case, this guy – ah, you wanted his name… it’s Zippy, ah… Zippy Zamazda… He’s –”
“Yes! Codename Joe! I already know about guy – he is major asshole! My stewardesses come, they say short man, strange man, dirty and fat, sitting front in Comfort Class, they give me his name, this Zippy, tell me every time they cannot believe, he is so bad manners to them and rude. But they say he must be sick in head, you know, clinically crazy, ‘cause he wearing filthy, bad smelly houseboy tuxedo! But now I learn you tell me he dangerous, probably criminal insane, so I do right away what you say!”
“Okay, Gavi… that’s good, that’s very good… So, we –”
“No, no, you no worry! I one of best pilot, American trained. I can do everything! I –”
“Yes… yes, Gavi, we already know that about you – so listen…”
“Okay, I all ears…”
“So, just hold a pattern over Wichita, and we’ll get back to you pretty soon. There’s a lot of cloud cover out there, so your passengers won’t know you’re not landing them in L.A. You’ll get them there just a little later, when this whole thing is over. So, when the time comes, we’ll let you know, and then you do the usual routine – you know: tell your passengers to get in their seats, together with some bullshit explanation about how weather conditions have allowed you to get to L.A. a couple of hours ahead of schedule.”
“Okay, okay… Plan sound very good. I do everything you say, so you catch this crazy guy.”
“And, of course, when all this is over – and it should end fairly quickly – we’ll refuel you at the airport down here by as much as you need, and you’ll be on your way again to L.A.”
“Okay, okay… Very good… all sound very, very good… I start big circle right now!”
“Okay, Gavi, that’s very good. Thank you.”
“Say, Codename Joe?”
“Yeah, Gavi, what is it?”
“If you have extra minute, please, I would like to know, to tell wife, children, you know… what this guy Zippy do? Because also this successful operation will be in news, so, you know, more information I have, the better I can, you know…”
“Yes, yes, I quite understand… Sure, I’ll spare you a minute! Let’s see what we’ve got here:
“Assault, and attempted assault of an American detective, one Jack Step (actually, know him well) at a Losers Anonymous meeting in Kyiv;
“Conspiracy to murder, and murder of, both figuratively and literally, one Saint Stephan, chief editor of the Kyiv Poster (not a bad little paper, by the way), with the intent to take his job – only to get fired a mere three months later;
“Maliciously disrupting an organ concert rehearsal by a talented foreign amateur in a gothic cathedral while in the threatening guise of a horned cow, thereby causing said talented foreign amateur, one Welsh Losser, psychological, mental, and emotional harm, possibly irreparable, as well as potentially significantly diminishing his future earnings from ungiven recitals;
“Attempted theft of the singular source of food from very rare ferret-monkeys, internationally protected by treaty and convention, on a desert island with the intent to starve them;
“Attempted assault and battery, with malice aforethought, of one Josh Davies, and premeditated attempted theft of his horse, with which said Davies had arrived, coming off a ship, in good faith, to rescue suspect from said desert island, of criminal count 4, above, so that suspect might not wither and waste away;
“And, get this, he even tried to take George’s place in an episode of “Seinfeld” when he’d been given a one-time, walk-on role by Jerry himself, only for a minute or two, and merely as a friendly gesture, which is nothing out of the ordinary for Jerry. I mean, I actually know the guy…”
“You keeding me! You do not mean Costanza, George?! I LOVE Costanza, George! Some time, he maybe funnier even from Jerry!”
“That’s right – the very same. You want me to go on? The list keeps going…”
O-khu-yet, blyat! This Zippy sound like real bloody fuck job!”
“Yeah, and this Kate Mustard murder is just his latest crime, and his worst. Who knows WHAT he’s gonna try in the States…!”
“Murder?! Shit, we definitely gonna do whatever you say!”
“Good, good, that’s what I was hoping to hear – again…”
“And, please, Codename Joe? One more thing…”
“Yes…?”
“What if we do not circle Wichita, but keep going?”
“Oh, ah, then we’re gonna havta fuckin’ blow you out of the sky…”
They both laugh…
Filed by Saint Stephan, May 9, 2025